I wonder if just copying down a bunch of song lyrics and other people's words into my journal counts towards part of the assignment.

Probably not, but I suppose I could try.

I'm pretty sure my own words are too weak to describe all the things I'd like to and all the feelings I feel.

Considering just quitting again. It's so hard when you can read that look in someone's eyes and you know every thought that passes through their head as it mirrors your own. It's so hard sometimes to keep up with the ones you love. I wish I could just give in and let someone breakdown and give into everything that want so badly, regardless of it's repercussions. They might feel so much better then. I am not against the lifestyle. I know it's not going to kill me. It's fun occasionally to just do anything. I know it all too well. What if I said yes? I mean, it's not... I can't... I mean... no. Why does it get so difficult? When will this all get easier? An addict's mind. Can that ever be turned off? I can live with it, but there's a point that it always gets to where it's almost all too much. It's hard to try and replace that. It's so fucking impossible sometimes. It's all worth it though, for the good days. The one's where life seems easy. Like we could really make it happen. And who's to say we should stop trying? I live for those good days. Sometimes they come more often and I think that this could be it. This could finally be the end. Like maybe we're just too far gone, but maybe it's just a miracle.

Five years. That's a long time.

A picture is worth more than a blank page. Take out those dusty photo albums. Pick out photo #14. Count howeveer you like, but make sure you stop at photo #14. Look at that photo for a few minutes. Then for ten minutes, write all the feelings that photograph made you feel. Don't censor yourself!
This is a picture from my family's cabin in the winter. Besides reminding me of a lot of different things, it makes me feel very calm. Vacations there are the kind of times when everything is slow and lazy. I yearn for that lifestyle sometimes. I wish I had the ability to just get out of the city on any afternoon and just chill. It also makes me feel kind of sad, or disappointed. I spent a lot of summer weeks there when I was growing up, playing with my cousins and sleeping on the floors with all the windows open. My mother use to bake pies in the kitchen and we had a fire pit where we'd cook the most random combinations of food. Later on, we used it less. We haven't gone there as a family for many years because all the kids grew up. Ryan and I still go there sometimes, for a week or two in the summer. I proposed there. It means something different than it did when I was little, its a different place going there with him. It's emptier there now, everything is old. I love that place though. I also remember once when I got in a fight with my parents a few years ago, running away there to think. I stayed there alone all night and by morning I felt better about life, in general. I stayed up and watched the sun rise over all the calm and it's like pressing 'reset' on your mind. It let's you start all over again.


Goodnight world. I'm going to bed now.

First we started with a thirty second description of object in the room. (I choose the rug.): frayed heavy, big, wide, maroon, gold, green, floral, woven, patterned

Then we played this "game" where every minute she'd list off a sense and we had to write what we were sensing. My results:

Pens clicking, question being asked, the girl next to me, paper, pens scratching paper, pencil sharpener, voices echoing in the hallway, squeaky sneakers.

Shiny hair, smooth paper, pen with a bad grip, sweaty fingers from writing, tight shoelaces, scratchy jeans, cold metal on my binder.

I don't smell anything at all.

Blank paper, black ink, shiny, black gel pen ink, silver pen tip, silver binder rings, edge of my glasses, mesh of pencil pouch.

I don't taste anything, but I want a stick of gum. I'm not going to lie and make up some bullshit about nothing.


At least I was honest. It was a fairly boring day.

I obviously I didn't choose sexy clothes, that would have been too easy.

He's got dull brown hair and grey eyes that match the sky on a cold winter day. The kind of sky that splays over his childhood home. That now-distant suburban household placed on the corner of the middle-class subdivision at the outskirts of town. It's named after a tree that he's not familiar with. All his neighbors' kids have grown and moved on. He's always left to play alone, a product of his parents dreams and desires. His shoes don't fit the right way. They are cramped in the toes and skid on the pavement as he walks to the park.



I'm not sad today. I just feel like that's pretty sad though.

I am the end of the world.
I am your best bet.
I am your worst intentions.
I am your saving grace.
I am your last hope.
I am your last wishes.
I am death.
I am life.
I am the last.
I am everything you hate.
I am what you fear.
I am.

Whether it be vaguely biblical or conceited, probably a little sexual too. I like the idea of claiming something so significant and being overly assertive. Sure, it turns me on or whatever, but beyond that. It's like staying grounded and having a core. Sometimes that's what you need, a dominant definition of yourself. It's kind of helpful just to whisper things like that occasionally. It gives you some sense of confidence. "I am alive."

I could continue things onto "You are..." but that's too much for right now...

You are mine.

So much depends
upon

A silver cross
necklace

Hanging over
your heart

And breaking in
my hands.

I'm taking a free form creative writing class with a teacher who is a totally hippie.

One of the requirements is to keep a journal every weekday. Some days are going to have assignments, some wont. The first six weeks of the class focus on Poetry, and I have to turn in a writing portfolio at the end of them. She is also encouraging us to forget everything we know about writing. I guess she wants unfiltered, free-form kind of stuff. I'm suppose to try and think beyond the kinds of writing I already have. I figure if I do it in this sort of internet journal setting it will be more interesting, maybe someone will read it. Leave feedback? I'll try and post every assignment here, but I'll probably miss a few days, because I am copying from
paper, busy, etc...

So this is where I'm going to begin.

I might start updating this again, but I'm not sure. So for now here's all I've got.
Since the last time I really updated this thing I have:

-It's been almost a year
-I've got an apartment with my Ryan
-Started college

And a whole ton of other things, but I don't feel like talking about them all. Everything is going pretty well, and it seems like we're more well off than before.

Apparently, my boy's been using this again.
Which means that maybe I should too. :)

Hey, I never get on the internet anymore
I'm graduating.
Ryan went to the prom with me.
I feel great.
Everything is so hectic for these last few weeks, but then we'll both finally be able to relax.
:) together.

Ryan just informed me that I'm never allowed to make koolaid ever again because I did it wrong.
Seriously, how do you make koolaid wrong?
I followed the directions right!!

jfc, that boy is insane.

What a beautiful boy, stronger than ever.
I love that he is home again.
I love that he's eating.
I love that I don't have to worry about what he's thinking.
I love how calm he looks when he's sleeping peacefully for the first time in years.

=]

I'm feeling pretty damn good today.
Tomorrow is the 29th of February.
I like to think it's a magic day, one of those days that just makes everything seem right. Ryan's moving back home tomorrow =) I'm taking off school and going to get him. I'm so excited. I've been in contact with the people, and I've got everything all situated.
God, I've missed him so much.


Just a little update, because I seem to always forget about this thing =)

Ryan got to come home this weekend, for a 'visit'. It's required to get to the next level or something.. I'm not sure, but anyways, I picked him up Friday night and checked him out, and we went to dinner and watched movies until we passed out on the couch.
Saturday we woke up late, went shopping for a while, came home for dinner with the family, and then talked all night, just to get used to each other again. To make sure we were still who we thought.
Today we spent all morning hiding away alone, not talking to anyone else, just being together, rediscovering each other in the most beautiful ways. This is how it should be always, this is what we were waiting for.What a way to make up for lost time.

I can't wait for him to come back for good, I know it'll all be okay this time.

Today just plain sucked.

It was awful.

I want to cry.




and I just can't sleep anymore
without him
next to
me.

he waited for me.


He looks good, he needs a haircut... but he looks, right.
We we're both scared of the same thing, completely paranoid out of our minds that one of us would break our bond.

But I just don't think you can do that at this point, we've shared too much, been together so long. I don't think he hates me, I think he hates what I did, and I think he will forever hate Jayden, which is completely understandable because I will too.

He's got friends there, that's good. He talks, not like he used too, he actually talks to people as if he may have some kind of confidence behind the words he's speaking. I think his main friend is his roommate, Taylor, who he introduced me to. He seems a lot like Ryan, in the way he thinks. I think they understand each other on a level that is much deeper than the average friendship by what they've been through.

It'll be okay.
I'll make sure it's all okay.
I'm not going to lose him like that ever again.
Two times is two too many.

I miss him.
I'm a mess.
I'm a wreck.
I need him.
I know he needs me.
I'm such an awful person.
I hate myself for fucking up the most amazing thing that will and has every happened to me.
I'm a fool.



One night can change everything, flip your world upside down.
I hate her for letting me do something like that, she knew damn well about my relationship.
And still it happened.



I only hope that he can forgive me.
That he won't find someone else, ever.



That boy means the world to me.
And I'm not going to lose him like this.

p.s.
I am so not excited for anything valentines day related.